inside my own world

It is humorous to think about how inside my world I am. It is like everything I see or do has a custom filter I made for it.
I am having a hard time trusting myself because I am not so happy with what I see when I take a few steps back and see where I am at. I could make a list of things I don't like or things that are bugging me or where I am procrastinating, I don't think that would serve me at all though.
This is me energetically screaming about what is right now. Much good that did me right?

New moment.
I get to chill out. I honestly have a really awesome life. And a really awesome family. It is funny how hard it seems to get out of my funk today.

I am going to update on what I have been up to.
Personally I have been growing with my design business. I am almost complete with a portfolio. Kelton is doing so good. He is turning 4 next month and he amazes me everyday with how awesome he is. I bought him Candy Land recently and we played it multiple times yesterday. I used to love that game so much and now it is SOOO fun playing with Kel because I enjoy watching him count and match colors. He wants to be Samuri Jack for Halloween so I have got to get on making his costume soon before he changes his mind. John is doing good also. He is wrapped up in some business venture or another everyday it seems and still makes time between meetings to make me feel special. Peaches are in season in UT and I have been making some mean-licious peach pies. I should probably take one to my dad because he digs pie so much.
I have maintained the weight I lost earlier this year but I am not loosing more it seems. I wonder why I have seemed to plateau. I know I haven't been making an extra effort so I guess it is time. I am going to the gym today after work. Tonight I will sit down and set some frequency goals with my exercising. It is weird because ever since my bike crash I haven't want to use my bike to go to work. I think i need to get over that. Also I know I can adjust my food intake. It seems like every 6 months my metabolism slows down again. Maybe i get to do the Cleanse again to jump start it.
I am struggling with being a renter instead of an owner. Since the market is so "awesome" currently, houses are cheap! The only problem is the credit unions want 10-25% down now instead of 0-3% like it was earlier this year. I guess it is a good thing because the nation will get back on its feet eventually, considering some people should of had to put 10-25% and didn't. Oh well now is a better time to start saving then never, right?
Lately, I have been pondering about life and death and how sad I am that people die. My uncle Reb is so sick and fighting cancer and it just makes my heart hurt. Thinking about friends and Grandparents that have gone is a big reality check. My Grandpa Breinholt is 90 years old and I feel lucky my son can hang out with him. Thinking about how my own parents are getting older is frighting to me. My Mom called me the other day about some details they are arranging in their Will and it gave me super anxiety to think they they one day will die. The biggest heart stopper at all is to think that I will ever wake up and John won't be there. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I believe I am connected to him forever but it still isn't a nice thought to think that we will one day leave these bodies and this life. I remind myself to make sure not to take John for grated. If we ever fight the thing that really brings be back to logic and sanity is how awful it would be if fighting were the last thing I got to experience on this earth with John. I love him so much. I know there is way things get to be and I can except that, I am glad I am only in my 24th year of life because that means I have a lot more to learn, experience, and hopefully, come to understand. Everything is going to be okay.