Rant with where I am at feelings and stuff.

I am putting a warning at the beginning of this for all of those who aren't interested in reading the random inner scripting of a prego stressed out female. If you wanna skip over the first part I am planning on putting my Gratitude list at the end.

I woke up from a nightmare crying this morning and then realized that it was my reality. I couldn't sleep hardly at all last night. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the crap I am stressing about. I was so deep into it that I dreamed about all kinds of horrible outcomes that I feared. I figure my nightmares will be a reality if I keep going down these tracks. I am running into a wall that I didn't know was up. It seems just a second ago my life and mind state was open, loving and carefree. The experience of myself recently is that a part of me, that I thought wasn't a part of me, is still here. It is the part of me that doesn't want to share, hug, trust or empathize. I am not going to say this part is me all the time but it is this person that comes out every once in a while.
I feel like my life has been asking for Honesty (not the vague kind) and when I started being honest it doesn't want it anymore. And it feel like when I am honest with myself and relationships about my feelings and what I want, it doesn't make a lick of difference (not all the time but lately). If anything I am too abrasive for my surrounding and everything shuts down. Then I shut down.
I am tired and warn feeling and what I want just doesn't work for everyone else. It seems ages ago (though I am only 25) but the abrasive and raw honesty used to be attractive and kind of endearing. Now it seems I have surrounded myself with a calmer community who I have trained to get used to the family friendly Mimi. Though I am capable of being a loving, powerful, passionate women all the time, I feel like I am more complicated then just that. It is like the belly side of loving, powerful, passionate.

This section was not flattering. It was how I feel, shallows and depths of 3 person parenting right now. There are victim parts and there are rude parts and there are sweet parts. I wrote it and though I wanted to keep the cynical, shallowness I am capable of, I know it will not serve me in my life to post it. It is a misrepresentation of the whole of me and I am not going to betray the sweet, innocent, caring girl who really does love anything she can. I did write it out and it was very cathartic to be so raw. I think it would serve me best in what I am creating in my life to not publish judgments and scripts about those who I love and those who I want to love. Lets just say I am human. I will include some excerpts to give you an idea of what I am frustrated with and let go of the venting part (because it served its purpose):
The box of "step mom" I feel am put in. Feeling unappreciated.....
Okay so I just spent 10 minutes trying to "include some excerpts" and that is all I could come up with without screaming my judgments and anger everywhere.

Being a few weeks shy of being 9 months prego scares the crap out of me. I feel bad for my husband because of how much I cry and how manic I am capable of being. He is the one I tend to criticize first (not on purpose, I just notice this) I feel like this and a few other things are really putting stress on our marriage. I wish I could fix it all with magic or something. It get to points like this where I notice and then I work on stuff, then it is good, then i find myself in this spot again, then I start over. I am glad he is willing to move forward and work on things with me. I am thankful he chooses to be with me through thick and thin. I am not sure if right now is a thick or thin part but i am glad he is the one that is sleeping next to me at night, Even if I am upset and crying. I probably should stop with the thinking so much about it so I can notice he thinks I am beautiful and loves me.

This is the part where I step back and take a look at what I want to do now. What is said and done is said and done. I can't change people or the fact I am prego, this I know.
I can change where I am going with this in my life. I guess I will just keep being honest. If anything I can honor the part of me that will stand up for what I want. I don't like being a doormat. I am going to be more conscious of others because I think that is what I am wanting most and If I am not being aware of where other people are at and take it into consideration the why would they do that for me?
I am going to appreciate myself more for the stuff I do as a Mom. I don't sell Kelton short that is for sure and I am so proud of him. I get to remind myself that I am a big part of his life and it is okay to say "Yeah, I taught him that". I listen to him, I love on him, I feed him, I make sure his homework is done, buy him pants that fit, make sure his shoes are the right size, draw with him, I remember his jacket, I take him to the library, I dance with him, I read to him, I go on walks with him, I let him bake stuff with me, I take him out to lunch, I paint faces at daycare, I make him awesome birthday cakes and Halloween costumes. I make sure he has a present for birthday parties, I make sure he has a schedule. And I do stuff he hates like make him wash his hands and brush his teeth, and wear the pants that he hates to button, make him clean his room, only allow so much TV time. I know I am not the only one who does these things for Kelton but this is me appreciating myself for the things I pride myself in making a note of in his life. I probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant if Kelton wasn't such an awesome kid. He inspired me to want another child. He is going to be such an awesome brother. :)
So I guess this is it, time to suck it up and let go of all my blahness. Time to practice listening and caring about people other then myself.

Gratitude list:
Myself
my body
the baby in my tummy
John
Kelton
my family
my mom
almonds
Doctors
my friends Olivia and Wendy
Tricia picks up Kelton when it is her turn
Halloween
bleach smell
Money
Jobs
Thanksgiving
Bananas
Kelton setting the table
Ninja Turtles
coffee cups
the feel of nice paper
robot drawings
My sisters
Health care
discounts
lizards
Grandmas
beards
good smelling soap
car washes
My car
pictures of cats that look like my cats
pitas
crisp apples
baking pie
internet
openness
Authenticity
calenders
snuggling

thanks for reading and knowing I am human.
Love, Mimi

San Diego Trip 2009

John kelton and I went and visited Uncle Pete and Aunt Kristin recently. i figured It could be a last harrah trip for Kelton being an only child. We all had sooo much fun!
It was nice Kristin was my prego buddy i could sit with while the boys went and played. We went from Oct 1st and left on Oct 5th.
First night we got there we visited... In and Out Burger, woot woot. Next day was SeaWorld! then we did lots of beach visiting and flea market shopping :) Krisitn's parents made us lunch one day and it was GOODLICIOUS! Our frined Hailey drove down from LA to come say Hi to us on Sunday. Overall, it was a pretty good trip :)

Here are some good photo albums with pictures from the whole thing :)

San Diego 2009

Sea World Oct 2 2009

Kelton's 5th Birthday

We had a lot of Fun with Kelton this year for his birthday. Well, we had a party at Grandma Beth's house. First we painted pumpkins and then John BBQed up some yummy hot dogs and hamburgers. After that we played the "Dot Game" where you win prizes if you land on the right color dot after music stops. After that we did the hokie pokie then we had Ninja turtle cupcakes and opened presents. It was a pretty fun full birthday :)






here is an album of pictures from Kelton's birthday week And some Videos!

Kelton's 5th Birthday 2009

Existential discussion with a toddler

This morning on the way to work/school Kelton and I had a great discussion about heaven, our bodies, and our soul/spirits. John and I are spiritual people and we choose not to follow any certain religion. I wasn't armed with a check list of how heaven works. I figure it is safe to say that is where we go when we die especially if we live our life to the fullest. Then sweet little Kelton asks, "How do we get back alive in heaven if we die?"
We proceeded to talk about our bodies and spirits and how our bodies are mortal and the just are the "house" for our souls. Thank goodness he has seen the movie Brother Bear so he got the concept of our spirits being separate from our bodies no problem. (the main character transfers on a spiritual quest from being in a man body to a bear body)
After deciphering the difference between spirit and the body, i brought up how the body is the mortal part. And told him how every day he grows and gets older and everything dies eventually it is one of life's only certain thing that we can count on. Kelton told me he doesn't want his body to die ever. I let him know he wouldn't have to worry about it for a long time if he takes good care of his body and stays healthy.
After talking about dying Kelton was concerned about being able to find heaven after he dies. He doesn't want to get lost because who know the address to heaven, right? I told him his spirit already knows where it is deep down inside and he would remember when it was time to leave his body. Something clicked for him after that and he was totally at peace with the "deep down we know what to do".
After a minute or so he asked me "If your spirit is deep inside of your body, does little sister play with yours?" It was really hard not to giggle at his innocent inquiry. I told him she keeps hers separate so when it is time to come out she can take it with her.
It is strange the spiritual/energetic battle I have actually had being pregnant. It took me a while to decipher the line between "little sister" and me. I guess that is probably the way it is supposed to be.

I wonder if Kelton will remember this conversation as well as I am going to.
I think he is going to turn out pretty okay.

love, Mimi

Desk drawing 9/16/09

a tuesday drawing at my desk

Kelton's pockets

I found this too cute to not post. When we were cleaning our old house to move out Kelton wen around collecting overlooked treasures. This is what I found in his pockets the laundry day after.