Health rant

I constantly reorient and reinvent where I am and what I want.
Love, health, money, family, community... it constantly seems to develop more and more.
It is like my Compass finds a different north all the time.
I know I would like my body to be healthy and fit always. My Grandpa is in his 90's, it gives me hope I can live that long. On the other side my Grandma died kinda young.
I want to get pregnant and at the same time it scares me to death. I have been talking about it so much you would think I was already prego (but I am not). It is hard for me to get past my unease of not being able to carry a baby.
I have this huge fear of doctors that I keep trying to kick. Every time I go to the Dr. it seems like there is ALWAYS something weird wrong with me. Ever since I was little! I have a serious laundry list of random and serious aliments. I think my first surgery was when I was 2, bless my tonsils. Then broken bones, Scarlatina, Skateboard/bike accidents, Epstein bar, and "bipolar"/depression.
That Bipolar one is tricky for me. I was subscribed medication for Bipolar but I don't know if it was ever really written on a chart. I stopped going to a doctor for my mental heath around 10th grade. I realized that I would rather feel things then be medicated, it made me feel like a drone. I certainly have done a lot of crazy "bipolar" things (cutting, fighting, crying, shaving head, promiscuity, binge drinking) Currently, I figure if I am aware of that bipolar part of me then I can make different choices now.
At 17 I was hospitalized because I couldn't breath. After a week in ICU at LDS Hospital the doctors were still stumped on what was snuffing out my life. All of my siblings managed to make it too my hospital bed and it all felt like they were saying goodbye. (except Sarah who had to get talked out of flying home from Asia so to see me). My mother or father were sitting next to me pretty much the whole time. I had a really odd out of body experience in the hospital. The machine next to me would beep loudly if I wasn't breathing enough and wake me out of me half conscious stupor I was in the whole time. They would stick needles in me all hours to take test after test after test. I remember this sweet nurse who helped me brush my teeth, she challenged me to breath, one of my personal angels. Then the morning I think I was schedule to die, one of the many young doctors decided to ultrasound my back and found large pockets of fluid. The fluid was pushing my lungs shut and that is why I could not breath. They took immediate action and sat me up on the bed and poked GIANT needles into my back to drain the fluid. My 17 year old body remarkably recovered within a few days and I was sent home. They never really figured out what cause me being sick, or what kind of sickness it was.
Then at 20 I got to have a LEAP Surgery on my cervix due to precancer. I am really glad they caught it so early and everything grew back totally normal and healthy. It is weird how many self worth beliefs I had that came from my girl parts being "defective".
I just feel uncomfortable in hospitals and making appointments to go to the doctor now. It is getting better but I still have something inside that hates it.
I have always been a fun joyful person. I also before the age of 21 never really had any self love. I really did wanna die, a lot. I am glad I was never selfish enough to go through with it. It seems like my family had enough love for me to stick around during those rough times.
6 months or so after my precancer I got real with myself on how I get to change something to keep living. I am pretty dang sure my energy alone towards myself attracted such horrible things to my body.
Anyhow, I shifted into an open space to find a different way then I had been doing it. In that neutral space John crossed paths with me and challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. After some lifestyle changes and going through The Great Life Foundation I have really found, well ME.
After coming to know who I am, a completely authentic person, I have grown to love me. Since then I have decided to live my life instead of hate it or sit in limbo. I have created so much for myself and achieved some cool things (motherhood, connection, money, wife). One thing that really is an amazing RESULT for me though is, I don't really get that sick anymore. I had a weird rash once, random colds and the flu twice. In comparison to my track record, that is like... well NOTHING. Not to mention the whole mental thing, I haven't cut myself in years. My mental major "episodes" are far and few between and my frequency keeps getting longer. I feel good in my body. I love my physical host.

I guess this whole blog is stemmed from where I am at right now. I stopped drinking alcohol so my body can prepare for having a baby. I am on a Juice Fast right now, a 7 day one. This past week has been good for me physically, cleansing. Second to last day with without solid food. Go team Mimi!

love, Mimi